


Heart to heart

by Alpha_Camolot



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: M/M, Magic Revealed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-09
Updated: 2016-08-09
Packaged: 2018-08-07 18:23:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7724980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alpha_Camolot/pseuds/Alpha_Camolot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Merlin starts to avoid Arthur. He wants to know why.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Heart to heart

**Author's Note:**

> Every page break is a change between their pov's.

Merlin walked the empty halls of Camelot. The corridors barren of people, servants and guards alike, now that the hard day’s work was over. He slipped into Arthur’s chambers and breathed a sigh of relief to find that they were also empty. The people of Camelot may be free to return to their warm beds, but Arthur and the council were still in their meeting. Their debates had run behind schedule and were now going late into the night. Merlin had no idea what they were talking about, and he found for once that he didn’t want too. For the last two weeks, Arthur would come back to his room looking deflated,  _ defeated  _ even. Merlin would stay long enough to raise his spirits. He would offer encouragement, what he knew his king needed. Then he would leave it at that before he said too much. Arthur would always smile at him and it was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. It also hurt him the most. He couldn’t stand the thought of knowing that Arthur was unhappy. More often than that, however, he couldn’t stand himself. He loved making Arthur happy, he wanted his king to smile. Which is why in the privacy of his own room he would beat himself up. He had grown selfish. He wanted Arthur to smile like that at him.  _ Only  _ him. He felt that he gave so much that he at least deserved this. The little smile Arthur would send his way that Merlin always locked up and stored in his heart. Still, he knew that one day Arthur would have someone else to give the smiles too. A queen for their people and Merlin would have to stand on the sides, and watch and smile and pretend that he was happy for them.  _ That it didn’t hurt.  _ It did hurt, though, it hurt badly. Bad enough that he would wake up silently sobbing for fear of waking Gaius, that Arthur would be someone else’s and there wasn’t a thing he could do about it. There were times when he thought about confessing. When they were in front of a roaring fire in the stillness of the night, and nothing else mattering but the sound of Arthur’s breathing. When Arthur took his helmet off after a tournament, covered in sweat but shining in all his victorious glory. Or the nights when Arthur felt unloved. When he would cry because he felt he wasn’t good enough. Those nights hurt too. Merlin would hug Arthur and ease his mind. It would be so easy for the words to pass his lips. To let Arthur know how much Merlin  _ loved  _ him. But he couldn’t do that in case Arthur would think he was lying or be disgusted and push him away. So he kept his tongue still and tried to convey how much he felt by squeezing all of Arthur’s broken pieces together. No matter how much he hated the thought of Arthur loving someone else, he was terrified of the thought of Arthur hating him. He was desperate to hold onto any bit of his king he could get. That was where another of his problems lied. Arthur was his king but not, you know,  _ his  _ king. The sooner Merlin could get that into his head the less the pain would be. And he tried, oh he tried, but Arthur was so deep in his veins it was impossible. Which is why Merlin had taken to avoiding him. It was subtle at first. Coming late, leaving early, touching his king for as little time as possible when helping him get dressed. Still, it didn’t work and Merlin started going out of his way to avoid hallways he knew Arthur would walk down. Merlin was pretty sure Arthur knew he was being avoided too. He had to muck out the stables a lot more often now. A chore Arthur only reserved when he was feeling particularly irritated. Merlin didn’t mind too much, though. Not when it gave him the space he needed. So far Arthur hadn’t pushed the subject. When he was with Arthur the corners of his mouth would be slightly downturned, his shoulders tense. As if he wanted to ask but was waiting for Merlin to say something first. Fat chance of that happening. Merlin wanted to tell Arthur so bad but he was also fifty percent sure that he would be taking his secrets with him to the grave. Of course, that just made Arthur more upset and he would snap and send Merlin to do some chore he just finished. He had a lot of chores now. Not that he didn’t before because he had  _ plenty.  _ Just that now it seemed that while before he would finish before sunset, no matter how fast he worked he wouldn’t be done until dusk had long since set. He was currently doing the last chores of the day. He had laid Arthur’s nightclothes out, turned down the bedsheets, and a small fire was merrily burning away in the hearth. He wished just for a fraction of a second that he could cuddle up with Arthur by it. A small wish that he allowed himself from time to time. It would be nice but he just had to leave before Arthur got back. As if the goddess herself hated him, Merlin heard the door begin to open.

* * *

Arthur pushed the door closed behind him as he entered his chambers. He turned around and saw Merlin, kneeling by the fire. Blue eyes going impossibly wide as he stood up. Arthur could have sworn he looked, guilty. The face was gone as quick as it had appeared and softened into something more, Merlin-like. The face Arthur had known for so many years. Arthur could feel his shoulders sag a bit, his tiredness finally catching up with him. Merlin, who looked like he wanted to run out the door, stopped in his tracks. 

“Arthur? How was the meeting?” Merlin asked. Arthur pretended that this wasn’t the first time Merlin actually started a conversation with him in about two weeks. He had noticed how Merlin had been acting. Fidgety, like he wanted to be anywhere but with him. He wasn’t sure what he had done to make Merlin start avoiding him. And it upset him more than he cared to admit. He thought maybe there was something he had done to upset him. No matter how much he thought about it, he couldn’t recall a previous moment where he had hurt Merlin. In fact, he was being extra careful in what he said. Still, there were times when he saw. Saw how Merlin’s face would fall when he thought that he wasn’t looking. He wanted answers. They would have to wait, though. 

“It was like fighting off two bears and a pack of wolves at the same time with a broken twig.” He said as he tapped Merlin on the shoulder and went toward his bed. For a fleeting second, he saw a smirk tug at the corner of Merlin’s mouth. 

“That bad huh?” Merlin joked while walking with him. Arthur sat on the bed and Merlin immediately dropped before him and started undoing the buckles on his boots.

“You don’t know the half of it.” That earned him a full smile that spread from ear to ear. A smile he missed all too much. Merlin looked up, having successfully got the boot off, smile in place. Then the smile faded and he looked resolutely down and began working on the other boot. Waiting for answers be damned. All of his tiredness was suddenly gone. This had gone on for long enough. 

“Merlin” -He looked up from his place on the floor, second boot joining its’ partner-“We need to talk.” Merlin fidgeted slightly and Arthur could feel a hot anger begin to seep into him.

“About what?” Merlin asked trying and failing to act like he didn’t know where this was going.

* * *

 

Merlin internally winced at how fake his own voice sounded. He should have ducked out as soon as Arthur came in. Then he had just looked so tired and of course Merlin’s first instinct was to take care of Arthur.  _ Stupid  _ he mentally scolded himself. He knew this would happen eventually and yet here he was still unprepared for the conversation.

“Let’s hope this won’t take to long yea? You have a long day ahead of you tomorrow and we need to get you ready for bed.” Merlin said as he got up and went to get the clothes he had laid out. He knew he was starting to ramble but he couldn’t help it. Not when Arthur’s eyes were boring so intently into him.

“Merlin.” Arthur began again, a hint of warning in his tone. His hand shot out and grabbed Merlin by the wrist. In his shock, Merlin dropped the clothes he had been holding to the floor. 

“Leave it.” Arthur practically growled out when Merlin tried to squirm out of his grasp and pick up the articles of clothing. Arthur stood from his place on the bed and walked around so he was in front of Merlin. He then proceeded to back Merlin up till he was forced to sit on the bed and look up at his master. Merlin couldn’t help but to glance at the door which wasn’t a very wise decision as Arthur tightened his grip.

“Why?” Arthur asked. Merlin couldn’t force himself to not shrink away from the accusation in Arthur’s voice. His three options were feign innocence, lie, or make a break for it.  _ Or tell him the truth.  _ Merlin looked up at Arthur. All demanding yet gentle. Hair and features sharpened by the fire light.  _ Scratch that.  _ There was no way he was about to confess. He had waited too long to try and play it off, and Arthur’s body blocked anyway of escape. Lying it is then. Whatever crazy scheme would have no doubt poured from his mouth was immediately abandoned as Arthur pressed himself closer.

“Don’t you dare think about lying through your teeth.” He growled out. Merlin cast his eyes to the floor. He could feel them welling with tears. He looked quickly to the door, then to the floor again.  What to do now?

* * *

Arthur watched as Merlin's eyes shifted from the door and then back to the floor again. He saw as Merlin squirmed, clearly uncomfortable with the confrontation, but he would be damned if he let this opportunity pass. Merlin had become exceedingly good at hiding himself away and not being seen. Who knew when Arthur would get this chance again? Merlin pulled himself up a little straighter, shoulders tensing as he seemed to come to a decision. He looked up, eyes wet with unshed tears.

“I wanted to tell you! There were so many times when I thought I should, yet it always seemed to be wrong. I came close. So many times. I didn't want you to hate me. I’m sorry!” he said,a few tears having escaped and falling down his face. Arthur felt something in his stomach twist painfully. He let go of Merlin's wrist in favor of using his hands to cup his face. More tears were falling now and Arthur used the pads of his thumbs to wipe them away.

“Is this why you've been avoiding me? Shh. I already know. It's okay.” he said. Merlin's breathing was irregular but he was calming down.

“Y-you knew? This whole time? You're not angry or sickened by me?” Merlin stumbled out.

“To tell you the truth, I was angry at first. Angry that you didn't trust me enough to tell me. But also at myself for making you feel like you couldn't. It took me a while but I learned to accept it.” he responded. Waves of relief could be felt rolling off of Merlin, and something like hope sparked in his eyes.

“I-I don't know how” Merlin began.

“Don’t. Just tell me who told you.” Arthur said. Merlin's face slid from happy to confused.

“Told me what?” He asked.

“About me trying to change the council’s mind about magic so you could be free.Maybe then you would finally show me a few tricks” Arthur said as if it was as common as breathing. Or maybe not. Merlin seemed to be having trouble with that task right now. He slipped off the bed and onto his hands and knees, body trembling.

“Merlin!” Arthur exclaimed as he dropped next to his servant. Merlin was mumbling something under his breath. He caught the faintest whispers that sounded like  _ about the magic. He knows about the magic. Dear goddess why.  _ It was Arthur's turn to be confused now.

“Merlin look at me,” he said as he grabbed his chin. When Merlin made no effort to do so on his own, he turned his head so that he was forced to look up.“What did you think we were talking about?” He asked. Merlin just shook his head, pulling himself back so that he was out of Arthur's reach. Arthur wanted to pull him closer.

“About magic. We were talking about magic” he said. Though Arthur noticed that his voice was a bit heavier and his eyes were wet again. Arthur made a face, prompting Merlin to stand up. He was rambling again.“I should go. You can put yourself to bed right? I’ll just-”

“MERLIN!-” Arthur said, once again grabbing hold of his man servant.“-What's wrong? I thought-”

“Nothing!” Merlin yelled, albeit not very convincingly. “I was just being an idiot. A fool. You know me. I'm gonna leave but thanks for the whole magic thing.” he said while trying to pull himself away. Arthur grabbed on with his other hand and stood up, his eyes locking with Merlin's. He shook his head.

“No. There's something else. Tell me.” Arthur demanded, his grip tightening. 

“Arthur please.” Merlin begged, now strongly trying to free himself. He was crying again too. Arthur felt the knot in his stomach clench again as he saw the tears on Merlin's face. If it wasn't one thing it was another. He could feel a certain level of frustration building in him at the thought that Merlin was still keeping secrets from him. Arthur pushed up from the floor so that he was standing at eye level with Merlin. Still, Merlin continued to squirm, so Arthur wrapped one arm around Merlin and clutched him to his chest. He ignored the intimacy of it, this was just to keep Merlin in place. Merlin hit against him with a gentle  _ oomph  _ and let out a noise that was half sob half gasp. Arthur quickly brought his other arm around so that he was now hugging Merlin. Merlin continued to struggle against him for a bit before he seemed to just give up. It was almost as if he had just melted. Without all the bravado Merlin seemed so much smaller. He slowly lifted his own arms, with a hesitance so unlike the Merlin he knew, and wrapped them around Arthur’s waist. For a while they just stood there, holding each other.

* * *

 

 

Merlin wished he had fought harder. He just missed being with Arthur so much. He had missed his warmth, and his smile, and his voice. To have gone so long without Arthur and then suddenly be surrounded by his presence, it was too much. All his fight left him. He needed Arthur. So much that it was killing him. He buried his face in the crook of Arthur’s neck. Arthur didn’t seem to mind and so there he stayed. Breathing as much of him in as he could. It was wrong of him and he knew it. To be so selfish when Arthur was trying to help and understand him.Merlin let out a shuddering breath. It was time for truth.

“I’m sorry.” he whispered out. Arthur let out a small laugh that came out in little puffs of air.

“You said that already.” Arthur responded. All Merlin could do was shake his head. Arthur still didn’t understand.

“No Arthur. You don’t get it. Maybe I shouldn’t have apologized. After all, I don’t regret what it is I’m about to tell you. Not even a little bit.”  He took a breath to brace himself.

“Merlin. Whatever it is I’m sure we can work something ou-”

“I Love you! So much. You have no idea. There were many nights when I was going to let you know but I was scared. I’m still scared but I love you and say something please.” Merlin tried to pull back so he could look at Arthur’s face. He couldn’t however as Arthur had wrapped his arms tighter around Merlin. Panic was starting to set in. Arthur still hadn’t said anything and maybe this was a mistake after all. Merlin dropped his hands from Arthur’s person.

“I-” Merlin began. Suddenly he was being held at arm’s length away from Arthur and Merlin broke. 

“What would you do if I kissed you?” Arthur asked. Merlin was in such a state of shock that he couldn’t respond. _ What?  _  Arthur slowly began moving forward and Merlin felt his breath catch. Then Arthur’s lips were pressed against his, warm and soft. The floor must have opened up beneath him because he was falling, _ falling, flying.  _ Arthur pulled back. A small smile on his face.

“I love you too, idiot. Do you think I would change decade-old laws for just anyone?” Arthur said. Merlin was sure this is what happiness felt like. It had been so long since he had been this happy.

“I-you-this.” Merlin uttered. Arthur let out another one of his breathy laughs and Merlin decided it was his favorite thing in the whole of Albion.

“Shut up and kiss me.” he said as he went in for another kiss. And as Merlin kissed him back, he knew they were going to be just fine.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
